self-sabotage and a dream

Sunday, Mar. 07, 2021, 8:37 AM

i'm going to take a quick minute to jot down some quick thoughts before i forget or get too busy.

i'm putting in a half-ass effort to study for a test that i want to start in about 3 hours. i have been trying to get myself interested or at the very least motivated to not only study but ascertain the information to no avail. i can recognize words and match them to the definition but that's not really learning. that's getting by the skin of my ass. this new field of study is for a career change and i'm blowing it.

i wonder if i have a fear of success. perhaps i've gotten used to sitting in misery with jobs i don't like. could be both. they don't necessarily have to be mutually exclusive. and this is why i could be self-sabotaging myself. i need to get to the bottom of that to find out why i'm choosing this option.

i had a weird dream not too long ago. i really can't describe it other than a guy (that looked a lot like leonardo dicaprio) was chasing a woman trying to get something from her. in order to save her, i offered to take whatever it was from her to keep it from the guy. i ran into a house and to my chagrin had trick doors. so whenever i opened a door, it was to a completely different part of the house. i know he was still in chase but i didn't know how far behind he was. it got to the point the doors were just confusing me. i got frustrated and woke up.

i've been doing a combination of intermittent fasting and 2-day fasting. this weekend was the hardest as i just couldn't concentrate on anything but food. i'm supposed to be focused on God and studying but i couldn't stop myself from looking at food videos on instagram and youtube. which just made me all that much more hungry. i've been sticking through it because i told God i'd fast for 2 days out of the week in hopes of getting closer to Him and i haven't been successful. i want to keep my word. but i felt like cracking and to be honest, i really don't know how i didn't. the good news is i'm now down to 190 lbs. thirty pounds to go. my desire is to lose 10-15 pounds this month. as of today, i've lost 32 pounds and i can see a shadow of my obliques. my arms are toning up. they were looking like old, church lady arms. saggy and lumpy. now i'm developing tone to my arms.

i looked at my body in the mirror. my initial goal was to get down to college weight. but i think that weight/number is tied to a part of my life where i was happy and weight wasn't a concern. now that i'll be 45 next month, i think that weight is a bit small. to get there i would need to lose another 60 pounds. i told tiffany, who's staying with me, and she said i would disappear. another person mentioned that it's a lot of weight and it wouldn't be necessary. i'm starting to think they are right. i still want some meat on me. 60 more pounds and i'll be a bone. but i won't know until i get down to 160. hoping with a combo of intermittent fasting and 2-day fasting i'll get there faster. i can't believe i committed to the entire month of march...5 weeks. one week down, four to go.

i guzzled down a green smoothie that was absolutely amazing. kale, cherries, pineapple, fresh mango, hemp seeds and key lime juice. it was a large smoothie but i'm still hungry. i've been snacking on sun-dried tomatoes in hopes that satisfies the need to chew.

well, let me get off of here. i want to take the test by 11. i need to go over some basic concepts and the muscular system.


� previous entry next entry �

back to index

45 pt. 2 - Thursday, Apr. 15, 2021
some catch up - Thursday, Apr. 15, 2021
45 pt.1 - Wednesday, Apr. 07, 2021
pre-birthday thoughts - Saturday, Apr. 03, 2021
some updates, more to come - Sunday, Mar. 21, 2021