i'm fighting the urge to cry. i'm confronted with change in so many areas that i'm just overwhelmed. i feel defeated even before i get out the gate. i feel like the core of who i am is never truly happy. with this current news i'm being required to become someone i've always strived to become but failed at every attempt. now that there is something that i want competing with my zero track record i feel as though i shouldn't even try.

i go to the dermatologist's office today. it's been a year since made my appointment. the dr is booked out 12 months in advance. she's a renowned dermatologist that specializes in hair loss.

i get to the office, fill out paperwork and wait. my stylist tags along to listen to info and ask questions that i may not think to ask. my name is finally called and a nurse leads me to the back. why i'm being required to step on a scale is unbeknownst to me but i oblige. i've gained 8 lbs during my vacation. the lack of working out and eating dutch desserts that judeska sent me. i really need to cease my sugar intake. with that being said, i'm back to a whopping 222 lbs again. my disappointment in myself knows no end. my clothes are tight again. i'm uncomfortable. i'm over it.

i get to the back room and the dr, whom is stunning by the way with hair down to there, sees my Game of Thrones Stark shirt and wants to discuss the fan groups on facebook. the whole time i'm thinking she's talking about team green vs team black from the House of the Dragon spinoff and she's talking about 4 separate groups that are solely for discussing game of thrones. i just had confusion on my face because it took me a year to see her and she wants to talk about game of thrones. *confusion meets annoyance*

during the preliminaries, she suspects that i have female pattern baldness, stage 1, which is treatable to an extent as long as you actively do treatments for life while not expecting any results for 8 months. she mentioned some other condition that it could possibly be but it's not likely. however, a biopsy was needed to get a diagnosis. here i am getting a section of my scalp extracted to determine why i'm losing my hair. she said it will take 2 weeks to get the results and to come back then. we went over a few options as far as styling but they were extremely limited. i could cut my hair off and wear it in a trendy style or i can wear it in twists. i added that my hair is too thin to wear in twists as well as wearing it loose. it looks see-through. i continue to tell her that i wear it in a bun or low ponytail because i feel comfortable. to counter that, she mentioned that me wearing it in a bun or low ponytail isn't beneficial because the hair on the sides grows in a different direction and me continuously wearing it back is also causing it to thin on the sides. so now i'm stuck.

after the appointment, shannon, my stylist, asked me how i felt. i told her i was fighting back tears because i'm so sad. she sat me down and asked me what i'm feeling. i tell her that i have few options. we went over what the doctor said and what she didn't say. wearing braids is somewhat out of the question. she said that i would have to change them out every 3 weeks because the hair is so thin. not to mention it's a far cry from 8-12 weeks which is average. not to mention that it's expensive. that set of braids i got back in 2020 cost me $200. can you imagine switching them out every 3 week? shannon mentioned that would only have to do the perimeter which wouldn't be as much. but you still have to wash the hair and that will be challenging with half my hair in braids. wearing braids is somewhat out of the question. she said that i would have to change them out every 3 weeks which is a far cry from 8-12 which is average. not to mention that it's expensive. that set of braids i got back in 2020 cost me $220. can you imagine switching them out every 3 week? not to mention the hours required. shannon mentioned that would only have to do the perimeter which wouldn't be as much. but you still have to wash the hair and that will be challenging with half my hair in braids.

i feel so overwhelmed by this situation. i feel that there is just another reason to add to my insecurities. another reason why it's so hard for me to find myself attractive. i just feel like i have the rug permanently pulled out from under me and there is no going back. i'm going to be on some type of prescription medication for the rest of my life attempting to keep my hair. i can definitely sympathize with a man losing their hair, but society accepts it especially if the guy can grow a beard. the only way society really accepts a woman with little to no hair is if she's being young and trendy or if she has cancer. as for me, i pray i never get cancer. it's too late for me to be young and trendy.

my heart is broken about this. i wanted the easy way out of hair loss. i've heard about steroid shots cause the hair to grow back. a few months of shots then i'm done. now i'm forced with everyday. forced to think about baldness everyday for the rest of my life. i want a husband. no husband fantasizes about having a bald wife (unless it's a kink...and who wants to be the object of that type of kink?). i can picture it now. i'm swimming and i have to make meal-piece my hair together to cover the thin areas to avoid the stares of people. i guess this is the how people feel with visible conditions...having to deal with stares.

yes, i know there are worse conditions that could possibly be diagnosed. thousands of women deal with it and wear wigs and extensions to deal with it. i just thought i'd never be one of those women. i remember being about 12- or 13-years old walking in a mall with my cousin. people used to comment on how long and thick my hair was. during a conversation with my cousin i remember saying, "...i will always have hair..." in whatever manner it fit into our conversation. now look at me. grasping for follicles.

people have worse conditions so i feel like a heel for feeling this way. life is just getting harder and i honestly don't want to go through it any more. i try so hard at so many things and i feel like i'm chained to this dull existence. now i have to go through it losing my hair.