tiffany leaves next saturday. i'm sad to see her leave but it's time for her to go. she became a citizen in april and there is no need for her to remain. besides, i want to regain my focus and solitude.

i'm lonely. my phone doesn't ring. i'm isolated, partly by choice. partly by circumstance. some days are harder than others but i muster through.

i need to take this time work on healing the areas that are still fragile and hurting. i still find myself blaming my parents for hurts of my past as to why i'm having difficulty committing to anything but failing. i have "i can't" drilled into my head so far down deep that i don't know how to get out of this pit.

i really feel like i haven't lived.

i contemplate the idea if i stop existing if the emptiness will go away. but then i think of a bible scripture "your latter end shall be greater than your former" and if i just trust God in this process that i'm actually going to love breathing and appreciate sharing the air with other people.

i miss smiling when i go out in public. i miss flirting. i miss having an intimate connection with someone. all these things i haven't had in about 2 decades. this is a lonely existence. i really pray i can pull off this move. i believe that once i get settled, i'll come to understand what living is. i'm tired of ruminating flashbacks of regret. i wish i had a "redo" in life. i would start over as soon as i left for college.

i wonder if i'm feeling this way because my period started and my perimenopausal hormones are struggling. i'm trying to hold it together. i've been using the memories of 'A' as a self-coping mechanism to make me feel better. "memories" is a bad word to use. "fantasies" is more apropos for what i've been doing.

i have bdsm fantasies of 'A' that i've never done, except for the spanking which i absolutely loved and desire to continue in the future. i think the reason why i have bdsm fantasies is because i play the role of the submissive, giving up control removing all responsibility. the fantasies simplify my life when i'm stressed. they provide me with a form of escape and a temporary high. i travel down a very narrow vein of bdsm where someone exudes dominance over me and i comply. thinking about it now soothes me. a simple system of dominance/submission, discipline and sado/masochsim is alluring.

i used to read a certain tumblr blog that was dedicated to fellatio with a touch of light bdsm. it was recently removed due to newly implemented rules frowning upon the graphic nature of the gifs that littered the page. his stories were so well-written that they became the foundation of things that i want to do in the future. they were so creative that i used to message him. i'll call him javi since i never got his name. we conversed about my ideas and fantasies. javi approved which only affirmed and fanned the flames to my kink. to be honest, i really should be fantasizing about javi instead of 'A' because we are more or less on the same page when it came to desires. it's just easier to have 'A' as the main character due the familiarity. javi recreated a new page on bdsmlr as tumblr started cleaning house, however, javi doesn't maintain it. because of that, i eventually deleted my access on bdsmlr because there is an abundance of explicit gifs depicting extreme forms of bdsm that i don't want to experience.

speaking of 'A', i no longer have access to his phone number and i am unbothered. i guess that indicates growth.