i don't know what his real name is but "javi" will have to do. my hormones have been fixated on him all morning. i wish his blogs were easily accessible. i get lost between his words. salacious and engaging. he shared so many supposedly personal encounters. he would verbalize a phase and his partner would immediately respond. if i remember correctly, he would grab her by the hair and say, "where do you want it?". it was her queue to reply, "in my tummy" then she would perform. his sexual gratification is to watch her ingest his climax on his command. over time, he inadvertently conditioned her to climax when he did. these stories that he shared helped to develop a foundation for my own fantasies. i initiated contact with him through the website to ask questions and share some thoughts i had about delving into submission and fellatio. thankfully, he would encourage my ideas. i found someone that i could express my thoughts and ideas to without the judgement. he encouraged my thoughts and we enjoyed our conversations. i miss having that type of bond with him. since his tumblr page was removed due to it violating community guidelines with the sexually explicit gifs on his page, he started a blog on bdsmlr, however, he doesn't maintain it. i eventually deleted my access to the website because it was exposing me to too many dark rabbit holes of bdsm that made me extremely uncomfortable. before i deleted my page, i sent him a message that i miss him.

i didn't realize it at the time, but i was actually practicing role playing submission with 'A'. he didn't realize it either. my love language is touch. i'm extremely handsy. we would be lying next to each other in bed. we would be talking or listen to each other breathe. i would ask, "can i touch you?". his reply would ALWAYS be something to the effect of "you don't have to ask." i would get frustrated because the only thing i wanted to hear was him giving me permission by saying, "yes". i found his voice extremely erotic. his voice is so deep i could hear it vibrate in his chest. we used to talk when we were intimate. that waned as the distrusted waxed. what was even more aggravating is that he would fall asleep while i was touching him. he said would say that my touch was soothing in a manner that caused him to doze. that was never my goal in those moments.

i stumbled across a writer on another website that is just as engaging as javi but she only has one story written. it's supposedly a true story of a fellatio-only arrangement with a married man. although i don't approve of engaging with a married man, i was drawn to it nonetheless due to the dominate/submissive nature of relationship. no kissing, and no substantial conversation. he requested that she have no other relationships outside of their arrangement so she obliged. it was the most impersonal yet intimate arrangement. he would send her a text to be at her flat at a specific time and she would drop everything no matter what she was doing to make herself available to him. he would arrive at her residence, drop trou then she would fellate him to orgasm. he'd say thank you and leave. according to her this arrangement carried on for two years until his wife got suspicious about his whereabouts.

although i wouldn't condone this type of relationship with a married man, it does feed my bdsm fantasy of being submissive and fellating someone on command. i daydream about these things. i wonder if my future husband will indulge me in my fantasy? spankings, safe words, subspace, commands, fellatio training and conditioning. there is something so erotic about pavlov's experiment using fellatio. even though i like fellatio. love it actually. i regret my first experience was with 'A'. he treated me as though i lied about it being my first time and in a way that wasn't complimentary. at that moment, i wanted to confront him about the distrust he had for me but it dawned on me that i didn't trust him. could i really be mad at him for not trusting me when i didn't trust him either? i could be wrong but i think his true issue with me expressing what i wanted to experience sexually is that he didn't have a hand in exposing me to it directly.

i'm dragging my feet on this move. once this movie ends, i'm going to finish painting the doors and frames in the house. i need to make more progress. i got a new fridge to replace my old one. no frills for any potential renters. bottom freezer, no ice maker, no water dispenser. i need to get more done.