my prayers recently have been about my heart...spiritually speaking. i can feel that it's hard and i'm feeling a disconnect with God because of it. i think He answered my prayers by showing me one of 2 paths i can take by talking to 2 account holders today. each one each one represented my path that i can eventually go on.

path one.

the first account holder, and quite the talker i might add, she seemed really interesting due to the volunteer work she does. she collects cans turns them in and donates the money to her local food pantry. she buys chocolate from dollar general for a penny, melts them down makes some type of chocolate dessert and donates that money to another organization. everything seemed good until she kept talking. she started going in depth about her life and things went south. she believes in God/Jesus everything but she has the hardest and self-righteous heart i've seen. she said that if people do her wrong she cuts them off completely. she gave examples. some kind of funny. some sad. her self-righteousness was heartbreaking. she said no one has ever given her a second chance so she's not going to give anyone else one either. i really wanted to say "God did. He's given you many second chances. Innumerable." but i felt i should just listen. and listen i did. this lady talked for 50 min. 50 min. she talked about her husband cheating on her with multiple women. she still has this vehemently vile for him because of it. still refers to his girlfriend as his mistress. (hilarity). he tries to correct her by saying that's his girlfriend but she quickly provides a rebuttal stating that he was seeing her while they were married so her title doesn't change...mistress. ehhhh, i can see her point but she's saying it in anger. and thinking about it, there is really not another way to say it. i say all that to say even though her life is filled with good deeds her heart appears to be beyond repair. her rage is diligent on seeking new levels daily. she's suing a lady that ordered 6 cheesecakes from her. the lady didn't take the cheesecakes nor did she pay. the original agreement was for $175 for some specific flavors. they lady didn't pay so now she's suing for a little over $900. she's justifying it by her not being able to make donations and implementing other financial plans. seriously?? $900... 6 cheesecakes?? she kept saying people were going to hell for stuff that they did or for stuff they did to her. i'm thinking wow...this is me if i don't change how i see people. i'm going to this hateful, bitter woman. not a drop of compassion in her body for people that are lost. she even went in on illegal immigrants. she tried to make it seem like illegal immigrants have it so good in this country that they are better off than most americans. seriously? you don't mind the rich and businesses pillaging from the middle class and poor but those that are escaping imminent harm and/or death are doing better than you when they step foot on american soil? okkayyyy....

path two.

a lady calls saying that she was robbed and she's double checking that she closed her accounts and new cards have been sent. we were talking. she said she's a truck driver for a living. she said she saw some women that appeared to be having car trouble and were stranded. being a woman and a truck driver she knows how dangerous it can be to be vulnerable like that so she pulls over to help them. they rob her. they take her cell phone, her id, and run through her debit and credit cards. i told her i am thankful she's ok. especially in today's climate it could have gone wrong so quickly. i felt impressed to tell her that God kept her safe. i could see God's angels around her protecting her. even though her things were stolen they can be replaced but she wasn't harmed. we kept talking and she asked me to keep her in my prayers. i told her i'd pray for her right at that moment so i prayed. to remind her that's she's in the middle of God's hand and he keeps her safe. i prayed for her heart. i prayed that this situation doesn't harden her heart. that she forgives the women and keeps letting God use her. and for the women that they are humbled where they are so they can see God for who he really is. she said she really needed that prayer today.

after i logged out of work, i started reflecting. these two women represent paths i can take. one if i don't forgive and see myself as self-righteous and keep everyone's sin before them. the other, one that can forgive, acknowledge that bad things can happen but can still be thankful to live through it and still keep her focus on God. i choose the latter. i want to pull away the hard sections of my heart to reveal the tenderness for God. i choose the greatness that God has for me. i choose forgiveness. i choose the future. i choose God.

paradigm shift 2019 is shaping up to be a good one. i'm excited ;)

someone said something profound tonight. "if you can't see the perspective, change the direction" - Ruben Arana