so maybe i'm not an attention whore. an attention whore would need attention from anyone. after what happened today, maybe i'm just loose with familiar people.

a coworker in my new dept reached out to me on skype. we had a few chats previously about the dynamics of the work environment but nothing major. he asked if i was single because he wanted to talk. i figured it wouldn't be "kosher" to give his number to a married woman so it was right to ask. i'm thinking it's about work complaints. maybe i wanted to think that. i did take his number and text him. the conversation seems to be more of a personal nature. personal and presumptuous. i mentioned i had to cut my grass tonight because it's going to rain the rest of the week and my yard is an eye sore. he said it was too hot...but he offered to help. ummm, no. you just got my number an hour ago. i don't invite anyone to my house. because he's so forward, i'm not interested. i've dealt with that type in my younger years. it's rude really. he asked if we could have a conversation tonight. i replied not tonight as i'm still getting over the exhaustion of yardwork and i'm going to wrap up my evening. he said, "ok, well, we got time." time? time for what? when i do officially speak to him i need to inform him that status is just not "single" but "single and not looking."

to think about relationships now, it's really weird imagining myself with someone other than 'A'. to be confronted just by a notion of being with someone else is a bit terrifying. i've gotten so used to the comfort of my past that i can't enjoy the risk of my future. it's sobering. i'm an adult holding on to a proverbial blankie in a sense.

so my "whore" status has been downgraded to "loose" and only for those that i've shared a past lol i'm still fort knox with strangers :)

today i tried something new for this "paradigm shift 2019". i'm just trying to change how i view things and the way i talk to myself. as i mentioned earlier, my yard was an eye sore. i haven't done any yard work in 2 weeks and if i didn't get to it tonight i wouldn't be able to get to it the rest of the week due to rain. i told myself "i deserve to have a nice yard" and i cut my grass. by no means is it perfect but it's not an eye sore. even this morning, i cleaned off my desk during my downtime. i told myself, "i deserve to have a clean desk and not work in disarray" and it worked. i cleaned off my desk. now my floor is a mess but that's partly because i've worked 34 hrs in the last 3 days with 10 more to do tomorrow. but it's a start. i'm proud of myself.

oh, i've been getting access to weed brownies. they make for fabulous sleep. i'm supposed to get a couple more this weekend. they have been helping with my anxiety. i refuse to feel bad for it. however, because i'm in the good 'ol red state of kansas i have to be super careful. it's still illegal here. i may have to stop all together. i need to get my resume together. things aren't adding up well at work and the last thing i need to do is fail a drug test for a new job or get arrested. i'll talk more about that tomorrow.