so the last dream put me in a bad mood for a couple of days. i was just in a really bad mental state. i honestly wanted to give up on life. feeling this job, the pandemic destroying plans, the extra pandemic weight. feeling lost in these heartbreaking dreams. i had another one this morning.

dream: The outside looked like my parents house. I walked out to run an errand for my mother. I walked out to a police car sitting perpendicular to the front door. My brother was leaning over speaking to the police officer sitting in the car. I heard my brother tell the officer that he had 3 convictions. He mentioned 2 that I can't remember then he said he had a rape conviction. I walked passed him, opened the garage and sat in the car. My heart was devastated to hear that the did that to someone.

i don't have anything concrete as to what these dreams mean and that makes it even harder to digest.

so with the dreams weighing on me heavily, it took me about 3 hours to get up. i told myself if i accomplished something that i'd feel in control of something and i'd feel better. i did an hour workout of p90x - kenpo. i took my time to ease into as i know it's been every bit of a year, if not more, since i last did it. the parts that i deemed easy and an opportunity to rest i found challenging. but i'm glad. i'm moving. it felt good to conquer something. identify things that i can control and take control over that. that is not hard. i can control what i eat. i can control how i move my body and i can control my thoughts.

i'm over having short hair. i'm looking forward to getting an additional 3 or 4 inches. you know what's weird, chris, reached out to me one time to ask me how i was liking my hair. seriously? who does that? if my first response is i love it, why would you ask 2 weeks later if i still like it? even if i didn't, it's really not his place to ask. we barely talk once a year. we're not close. *sigh*

anyway, i'm going to head to bed as it's 11pm.