hey, stinger! thanks for the note and for your concern about my health condition. the doctor is correct about my options as those are the same options available since my last surgery. i just don't like her beside manner. she's not as personable as i would like and seemed excited about a hysterectomy based on my age and no plans for babies. just because i'm 44 and don't plan on having kids shouldn't be a reason to yank out my uterus and throw myself in early menopause. who wants those problems? i will say that i'm thinking i'm developing a bit of incontinence because of the fibroids pressing on my bladder. if i sneeze hard, i get a trickle of pee. :( i keep forgetting to take my cod liver oil. i need to leave it where i can see it. i'm just not a pill taker.

since i'm on my deserted island (quarantine), i'm just focusing on myself more than ever. still vegan with a couple of unintentional infractions due to a couple of deliveries that had cheese. i'm not hitting the exercise as hard as i was 3 years ago but i'm doing some power hooping with a 6-lb hula hoop that hits the gut. that i'm being consistent in. what i need to focus on is getting back to drinking a gallon of water (something i haven't been able to do since last year and reducing my meals. i'm eating more because of the lack of water and to self-medicate unhappiness. this unhappiness is different this time. i have a certain level hope that wasn't there previously. i'm getting excited about my future where i haven't been. i feel in my spirit that God wants me to move so i've started clearing out my house. i've been getting rid of stuff that i've held on to for sentimental reasons but won't carry me to the future. i got rid of blankets and sheets my mom got me when i was in high school, a comforter a former friend got me while he was in south korea. these things i haven't touched in nearly 15 years and didn't plan on touching in the next 10. i brought enough stuff to fill the backseat of my car and part of the passenger seat. i plan on dropping off stuff every week for the rest of the year. being in this house for almost 20 years i've accumulated way too many things. it's time to let go.

something very strange happened today. i felt the need to check my front porch to see if anything was there. i hadn't ordered anything but i felt moved to check. i opened the door and i see a package. i figured it was a package for tiffany since she's having things delivered for her wedding. i check the label and it's for me. then i check the return address and it's from my aunt. it's a book from high school. she found it in grandma's house. my mom was a hoarder and somehow she grabbed this book when she packed her stuff from losing her house from the divorce. i made it into the '93-'94 "who's who among american high school students". and in the book my mom stuffed my '81-'82 report card from kindergarten. from the first quarter my teacher, ms. blair, commented that i talk too much in class. my dad responded, "why weren't we told she was talking in class?". the thing is, i remember exactly what happened at the age of 5. the classroom was broken up in quads. a girl, christie john, was talking and the teacher heard. when the teacher said stop talking christie lied and pointed to me declaring i was talking. so when my parents find out that i've been disturbing the class my dad was livid. he was screaming and threatening to beat me. all at the age of 5. i tried to plead my case but he refused to hear me. i was frightened. terrified actually. i was in tears. christie didn't know the pain she caused me by lying that day. my dad used a lot of physical threats and violence when i was younger. he'd make good on it too just based on how he treated my mom and brother.

you know what? i've been in need of a therapist to help me unpack all my crap. i have yet to find one that's been effective. i've been close with one when i first started seeing a therapist, Marty. i found her the most helpful out of all of them. but the stuff i'm dealing with now i only want to share with God and diaryland. which is why i think i got this book and report card. i believe God wants to unpack my crap too. i've been asking God where fear entered in my life and i'm thinking fear entered my life through dealing with my dad.

that has to be the reason why i got this book. why else would i have gotten this book 26 years later and a report card 39 years after the fact. my memories are pretty good. but to remember this specific one is telling. i need to meditate. i need to be delivered of fear that hinders me spiritually. this has to be it. for this "who's who" i suspect it has to deal with my identity. you know what's ironic? i'm watching the legend of korrah and i'm on season 4 episode 4, not only is that my birth date but the episode itself is dealing with korrah trying to get passed her emotional trauma to get back to her most powerful, spiritual self. she's blocked. no matter how hard she's trying she just can't make that connection. damn. that's a lot to swallow. i'm going to see how she's going make the connection again. i have a feeling i need to pay attention.

"you can't fight future enemies if you're fighting the old ones." , "focus and meditate", "those fights are over, release the fear." and voila, she made a connection to her most powerful, spiritual self.

and you know what else is interesting. i don't miss 'A' anymore. i still think about him but i don't miss him. i actually find the thought of being with him foreign and a waste of not only my time but also of my value. i've made great strides since that 30-yr old that wanted to kill herself because i felt i had no value without him.

wow. fucking wow.