Merry Christmas!

i wanna say what i am thankful for because i know things could be tons worse. especially in 2020. i'm healthy. i'm working. i start school in jan. i'm praying more and i feel stronger spiritually everyday. these things are huge so i don't need to focus on anything else. with that being said, i don't like being alone on the holidays. i was hoping to work and get some extra overtime to soothe the bite but they wouldn't let me have it. part of me is glad i didn't work because these customers are really working my nerves. not only that, management is being secretive about awarding elite schedules. they were supposed to have the rankings complete by mid-december and they still haven't awarded them yet. they said they would have them out by christmas...no. so i'm just waiting for the shoe to drop. i've worked 4x10s for the last 2 years. to be forced to work fridays and saturdays again is going to be an adjustment. you really need to have more than one day off in a row to decompress from this type of job.

my supervisor has covid. can't say i'm surprised. when i mentioned the severity of it by talking to customers she responded in a way that made me believe she wasn't taking it seriously as she should have. as of yesterday, she was on day 9 of symptoms with that day waking up with a fever. she said she was tired of the symptoms already. she asked me about something i mentioned previously..."long haulers". i told her that some of the customers i spoke to were having symptoms months after testing negative. she could feasibly have these symptoms well into spring with no sign of change. i did pray for her because i don't wanna see anyone suffer. she said she saw mimi on the 13th and she tested positive on the 15th. that tells me that mimi got a test on the 11th and didn't say anything. not gonna lie, my blood boiled a bit. but hey, it's not my family nor my rules. i hope they get better soon and don't have any lasting symptoms.

but i'm sad. i'm not good by myself on the holidays. another year single. another year where people don't seemingly care. i know that it's not true but i just would like people to reach out. i'm glad i have this diary. at least i have a way to articulate how i feel without depressing someone else or spending money on a therapist. speaking of which, i want to start seeing a therapist again. this time i'm going to seek out a black therapist. the 3 or 4 that i've seen previously, we've lacked a cultural connection that made me truly comfortable with talking to them. the last one that i saw was more into having small talk than getting to the core of my issues. daddy issues. brother issues. work issues. school issues. financial issues. self-worth, etc...

i don't know how to work on these issues daily. i'm just going to take it one day at a time. be more attentive and intentional and just go from there.

i need cookies. maybe cheesecake.