so i have a little story to tell. a story about a letter. another letter.

this morning, i ran an errand at walmart and ended up going back because i was missing an item i paid for. the checkout attendant remembered and i was able to get the product and walk out without any problems. thank God. i don't need any theft issues in my life.

i get back home and i hoop for 30 min. i sit down to relax and keith calls me to catch up. he's my bestfriend although we don't talk much because of our schedules. anyhoo, at the beginning of our conversation i hear someone jiggling my doorknob at the front door. confusion hit me. i was going through a thoughts as to what it might be. couldn't be a delivery guy because they would knock or ring the doorbell. then i thought someone was trying to break in. i go to the window and peak out through a crack in the curtain. i see my dad walking back to a car and not his van. i was scared. i asked keith not to get off the phone. why in the hell is he here? i wanted to run to get tiffany to provide the perfect cover to me not living here anymore but she was on the phone for work. he wasn't here for 2 min. why the hell was he here? i'm freaking out. i don't want to talk to him. i don't want a relationship. i don't need that type of toxicity in my life. any toxicity under any circumstances. keith said he probably left another note on my door. i said he is probably right and sure enough, i go check my door and there is a letter wrapped around my door handle.

the letter has my first name on it. i thought about it and i'm not going to read it. based off the dream i had about him back in may. i can't do it. i won't do it. my first reaction was to send the letter back certified with a note saying don't come back, signing it nicole woodson or nicole barnes. even a thought of sending it back saying "the daughter of milton barnes". i decided against it. it's cruel. i'm a child of God. i'm better than petty behavior. God's been too good to me. it's funny actually. i was thinking about him last night. even talking to myself about how i see him. i see him as dr. jekyll and mr. hyde. he pretends to be dr. jekyll but he's really mr. hyde. it's creepy.

the reason why i'm thinking this way is because i'm reading a biography of cornelia ten boom called "the hiding place'. it's how she still remained compassionate, although extremely difficult, while in the concentration camps in nazi germany. she looked for God in everything and it caused her to be so grateful even though unimaginable torment and suffering. God was with her every step of the way. i can be the same way. i can leave in peace. i will leave a nice, well-worded letter of my departure and well wishes. i will leave in peace. i'll finish the book by tomorrow then i'll be able really reflect on how i need to carry myself.

i'm not sure what i'm going to do with the letter now. i'm not pressed to read it, however, my curiosity level is roughly a 2 out of 10.

on a brighter note, i bought packing stuff today. and it's expensive. i'm going to target tomorrow to ask for free boxes that they break down after they restock the shelves. i believe a walmart employee lied when i asked about the boxes. her answer seemed really convenient. "oh, we don't do that anymore. i just found out recently." uh huh. it's walmart, do i really expect better treatment? no. i think my best bet is to go to the walmart that helped me when i last moved. it's not that far just not nearly as convenient as the walmart around the corner.

i worked out my budget. my bills are going to suck up every penny i have. i budgeted everything out within mere dollars. i paid most of my manual payments this month. i talked to a friend who's fridge went out and needed help with some cash until it gets fixed. she asked for $30. i wanted to say no but i gave it to her knowing that God will provide. so i have to spend less money than i planned. something has to give.

i've been wanting a hug all day. my life is lonely at times.