so i did a thing.

my friend of 20+ years invited me to her son's wedding. i was introduced to him when he was a toddler. i can't believe it's been that long. she reached out a few days ago and asked if i'm going to rsvp. sadly, i declined. not because i didn't want to go but it would be a bigger hardship on me if i did. here's why. i'm so big that nothing fits. i would have to buy something wedding appropriate, hair, makeup, and then a purchase a gift. i think i'm better off in a lot of ways just sending a gift.

when i really think about it, it's a terrible thing. i've haven't been able to master my weight goals and it's cost me living life in many areas. i'm overwhelmed by transitions and i show a pattern of crumbling under the pressure. i've been thinking a lot about death lately. not sure if it's because tomorrow is Mother's Day and I miss her. not that i enjoyed enjoyed her company as we were oil and water. we had a tumultuous relationship. but she's gone for good. i wasn't the best daughter. i did my best to avoid her at all costs. now i'm hurting. full of guilt. for something that i didn't change. not sure i could change it if i had another opportunity.

i've been thinking is my life even worth it? is God going to get what he wants out of me when i continually drag my feet? when my efforts to do better are short lived is he going to be able to use me. i want to go to a retreat. i would love to have 4 weeks off to recalibrate. i would love to go to a retreat just so i can meditate and restart. no such thing going on right now. i saw a quote that has stuck with me. don't focus on what you don't have but what you do have. i'm paraphrasing of course. if i don't have access to a retreat, i can make one. i just have to make the effort.