i saw something recently. paraphrasing, "it's ok to have feelings. your feelings are meant to be felt, not make decisions."

here i am feeling depressed and i see that reel. despite what i'm feeling, i can't make decisions out of it.

i know it's almost june but i need to work on a vision board for this year. i've been putting it off for various reasons.

there is a job posting that i'm interested in. i would be doing a lot of "paperwork" updating documents and creating guru cards. it would require a lot of reading and pulling on my memory which is somewhat compromised at the moment due to hormones. its officially unofficial that i've started peri-menopause. it's so strange. i started this journal back in '02 right before i got my house. now 20 years later, i'm almost infertile and the hormones around that change has made my short-term memory shake and questionable. and because of that, i'm hesitant. not sure if it's anxiety or a valid point. but i've been doing customer service for 5 years. five years too long and i'm tired of answer phones. now granted i'm dealing with better customers but i think my i've reached a point where it's time to move on.

next month, i'm going raw vegan again. to be honest, i need to do it more than a month. nothing is in my way or that i have to have that would be an obstacle. after june. i think i'll allow myself 2 hot meals a month, possibly on the weekends. i need to make a decision soon. i've procrastinated long enough. my weight is out of control. if i lose the amount i think i want to lose i may have an issue with loose skin. not sure. technically, i'm about 100 lbs over my smallest adult weight of 130 lbs. i'm 227. can you believe it? crazy.

but i'm going to keep a promise to myself. i'm going to workout even though i really don't feel like it. but that's how you build confidence. you keep promises to yourself accomplishing goals. i'll fight through the sadness and do 10 min.

i'm being more cognizant of my body. i can't keep blaming my last position as to why i'm not drinking a gallon of water daily. actions speak louder than words (thoughts), if i keep guzzling the water, i should be back on track. i was close to a gallon yesterday. and the added benefit is that it kept me from stuffing my face. so it helps.

i've been spending more time with God recently. i've laid some requests at his feet. know he hears me. it's the internal requests that are harder for me to recognize if they've been answered because i feel like i'm not growing. i'm constantly in doubt when it come to the internal requests.

oh, this is not here nor there but i wanted to document a result from taking a vegan collagen booster. since my body is going nuts i decided to supplement for what can be corrected. the only thing that is evident so far is my nails have stopped breaking. they were brittle as all get out. after about a month they look strong again. the other issues i more than likely need to give another month to see if i have any changes with my skin and hair. my hair is still thin and skin is still problematic. can you believe that i'm almost 50 and still have issues with acne and hyperpigmentation? now i also have to add aging to the ring. thanks, life! lol

i'm still not calling people unless absolutely necessary. i've stopped "watering everyone else's plants" and decided to water my own. i'm buying plants to change the ambiance in my house. i want to become a plant mom.